Feminism | I Love Social Justice Warriors

Roxanne and her roommate decided to take a break from fighting the patriarchy and explaining things to people in a condescending manner with exaggerated vowel pronunciations to sit in their dorm room and chill for the night.

Becky, the roommate, was a little less politically correct than Roxanne and decided to put on a George Carlin’s stand up playlist on Youtube.

Roxanne thought Carlin was a bit too misogynistic for her, but since she had a fresh quart of Ben & Jerry’s organic almond milk chocolate ‘frozen dessert’, she decided not to complain this one time.

Besides, she had a lot of homework for her Gender Studies class to catch up on and at least it would make some good background noise, she thought.

The night was lax and all was well… until, that is, something happened that would totally shatter her entire perception of reality and how she viewed herself as a human being.

She heard George Carlin’s stand up comedy playing in the background to where he made a joke about Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd… and she laughed.

“I seriously cannot believe I laughed at a rape joke. I just seriously contributed to the perpetuating of rape culture, white privilege and the propagation of the fascist patriarchy. I am such a horrible person.” She cried.

Fearing that her careless laughter was the result of deep-seated conditioning perpetrated by a male-dominated, misogynistic society, she sought immediate help.

“I contacted the guidance counselor and scheduled a meeting right away, this is seriously not cool, I can’t even.”

A therapy dog was released by the school to Roxanne’s care to help her through this traumatizing event. She is expected to make a full recovery in about a year and half after she graduates and lives in the real world for a few days.

Are you tired of the patriarchy and the male dominated society that you must endure on a daily basis? Well, then maybe it’s time to give feminism a try and fight back!

By following these 10 easy steps, you’ll be a true feminist in no time!

1.) Embrace your delusions of superiority and convince yourself that your over bloated sense of self worth is justified.

2.) Understand that men are evil and deserve your utter contempt.

3.) Understand that men are useless except to conceive children but there are options that avoid sexual intercourse; sperm banks, adoption, or better yet… just get a lot of cats and forget about children because you’ll probably end up with an evil son if you go to a sperm bank anyway.

4.) Understand that women who submit to men are brainwashed and need you to rescue them; a bull horn is recommended to express your points to those women who refuse to hear you.

5.) Go Vegan, because animal based diets are barbaric and ripe with toxic masculinity.

6.) Ignore all evidence and data that supports the illusion of the ‘Wage Gap’ and continue to scream loudly about pay inequality rather than pursuing a higher income earning career. (Don’t forget your bullhorn.)

7.) If you’re intoxicated and horny and decide to submit to sexual intercourse with a man, it is highly recommended that you do not wallow in your regret… simply state that it was rape and sit back and enjoy watching his life go down the toilet.

8.) Understand that there is no physical difference between a male’s nipples and a woman’s nipples and be sure to periodically display your breasts in public protest, especially in places and at times deemed ‘highly inappropriate’ by the patriarchy.

9.) Remember, there is no need to take accountability for your actions or your perceived ineptitude; you are a victim of the patriarchy and there is no need to feel ashamed for being a woman.

10.) If anyone claims you are being a ‘femi-nazi’ or a ‘sexist against men’… chuckle politely and remind them that everything you are doing is for EQUALITY!

Once you get these simple 10 steps down, there are, of course, work shops and seminars that go into further detail of how to hone your feminist being. Kick some ass sistas!