Anti-Capitalist Accidentally Wins Lottery; Abandons Anarchy

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Mitchell just turned 18 and was ready to fight the system and smash the state. What better way to stick it to the man than to hop a gondola for a free ride to Ocala for the ‘Regional Rainbow Gathering’? he thought.

He planned to hitch a ride from a travel plaza in South Carolina to a train yard outside of Charleston, hop a gondola en route to Savanna then hop the hot shot to Jacksonville, meet up with his “comrades” there, then hitchhike towards Ocala National Forest.

It was a plan that would guarantee an exciting few weeks of drinking, debauchery and living wild and free.  Something happened, however, that he quite naturally did not anticipate…

While panhandling and asking for rides at the travel plaza (without  much luck) he noticed that the man who was playing keno in the rest area left a plastic bag behind; containing some scratch offs (already scratched off), and a few lottery tickets (live tickets.)

“What a dumb ass” he said to himself as he stuffed the lottery tickets into his pocket and went on about his day.

The next few weeks were as adventurous and fulfilling as he hoped they would be. As he was unpacking his gear back in his home in South Carolina, he came across the lottery tickets that he had forgotten all about that he stuffed down inside of his pack.

“Money is oppressive and capitalism sucks” he said. “Everything you need, you can just pluck it from the trees” he added. Just for ‘shits and giggles’, however, he decided to have the lottery tickets checked.

To his absolute amazement he held within his hand a winning lottery ticket that would soon award him an astonishing $100,000 (before taxes that is)

After collecting the money he thought the first order of anarcho-communist business was to throw a raging party for all his friends and buy a massive amount of beer and drugs. (cool move, homie)

Unfortunately, this wasn’t good enough for his collective. They wanted him to redistribute all of the funds back into the community.

He refused to give it up and was quickly ostracized by the same group he just fed $1200 worth of beer and cocaine to.

“I mean, maybe I should have given the money to the community, but I figured I could use that to go to college and get educated and fight the system from within, ya know?”

Heresy! the group thought, and they turned on him.

After feeling so much rejection from his peers, he decided that maybe anarcho-communism wasn’t right for him.

“I think I’m more of a minarchist anyway. Those guys suck”.

Moral of the story: money talks, bullshit walks 😉

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Ban List – A List of the Most Offensive Things Ever

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The world is just far too fragile to be able to live in peace when people have so much freedom, so obviously everything must be banned.

Here is a list of the things that should go first and the reasons why.

  • Guns – they are bad and only bad people have them, ban them now!
  • Alcohol – is bad, and it only leads to more dangerous drugs like marijuana
  • Weed – is bad and only leads to more dangerous things like alcohol
  • White people – white people procreating is a criminal act, ban it
  • Christianity – it threatens the only peaceful religion ever; Islam
  • Islam – It’s patriarchal and oppressive to women and homosexuals
  • Europeans – because they are oppressive to Muslims
  • Straight Men – because they are homophobic
  • Cis Gendered Men – because they are transphobic
  • Toy Guns – Because they are actually real guns too
  • Video Games – they are sexist and only 35 year old white guys play them
  • Marilyn Manson – Offensive to Christians
  • Socks – They are offensive to indigenous people who don’t have them
  • Shoes – only rich white people wear shoes, ban them
  • Casinos – a breeding ground for rich white capitalism
  • Capitalism – because free markets breed rich white people who oppress
  • Christmas – promotes commercialism and gluttony
  • Thin People – they body shame over-weight people just by existing
  • Sports Cars – only rich white people drive sports cars
  • Rock Music – Stolen from Africans and turned into white devil music
  • Rap Music – promotes gun use, rape culture and sexism
  • Condoms – protects rapists from being identifiable
  • Abortions – God doesn’t like it when you kill babies
  • Babies – Over population is somehow bigotry, get an abortion
  • Frosted Flakes – white people cereal that implies white superiority
  • Wal Mart – enables rednecks to survive, ban it!
  • Trucks – only rednecks drive trucks
  • Rednecks – Self-explanatory, Ban them
  • Cheetos – they look like Donald Trump, ban them
  • Snow – Offensive to Africans and Latinxs
  • Milk Duds – racist
  • Oreos – very racist
  • Punk Rockers – they have mohawks; cultural appropriation of natives
  • Belts – body shaming devices
  • Scales – super offensive body shaming device
  • Disney Movies – Walt Disney was a Nazi
  • Emma Watson – Is a quasi-feminist Nazi sympathizer aka a Nazi
  • Scallops – bourgeois white people food, ban it
  • False Teeth – offensive to people with no teeth who can’t afford them
  • Jackets – culturally appropriating the homeless veterans
  • Veterans – baby killing jingoists
  • The American Flag – extremely racist
  • Coloring Books – offensive to poor kids with no crayons
  • Dildos – anti-feminist devices propagating male dominance
  • Chinese Food in USA – Chinese people have no idea what it is
  • Toilets – offensive to hillbillies who must poo in the woods
  • Zippers – possibly the most racist thing ever invented
  • CD Players – ancient devices used to spread sexism and racism with rap and rock
  • Meat – the Earth made vegetables for you to eat, not animals
  • Vegetables – expensive rich white people food
  • Books – Anti-Jewish propaganda
  • News – Israeli propaganda
  • Make up – anti-feminist tool of oppression (offensive to Muslims too)
  • Burkas – patriarchal oppression
  • Zelda – because everyone thinks Zelda is Link, and it’s sexist
  • Violins – a musical instrument invented by racists that only whites enjoy
  • Halloween – Cultural appropriation
  • Al Bundy – Fictional, misogynistic character right wingers love
  • Tampons – invented by men to make women ashamed of their periods
  • Free Speech – amendment designed for flag burning Nazis
  • Jokes – are never funny, ban them!

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Smug Liberal Feels Superior by Switching to Reusable Grocery Bags

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3 weeks ago Jean had an epiphany; she was contributing far too much to the destruction of the planet by accepting plastic bags at the grocery store.

“Plastic is like, bad, and we should stop hurting the planet with plastic. All oil companies want to do is make money, they don’t care about the planet”. She told us.

Feeling accomplished she took to Facebook to announce her new found environmentalism and suggested that all of her friends follow her brave lead.

“So I am now bringing my own shopping bags to the grocery store and I’m no longer buying water bottles… you should do the same 😉 ” she added.

Jean only has 3 organic reusable totes made from 85% recycled material at the moment, but she told us that she plans to get more.

“My SUV can hold at least 10 bags, so I’m definitely getting more. I need to buy a lot of groceries to feed my 7 kids, lol. I also drive the extra 20 miles to go to Wholefoods to make sure everyone is eating healthy.” she explained.  “This is so awesome, I’m doing so much for the environment, it allows me to sleep better at night knowing I’m no longer part of the problem.”

Jean is doing a great job at protecting mother earth, and we salute her for it!  Great job Jean!

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Feminist Goes Entire Day Without Saying ‘Misogynistic’

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In the last 365 days Zeda has said the word ‘misogynistic’ 3643 times, about 10 times per day for a year.

Recently, Zeda went an entire day without saying the word ‘misogynistic’; which was nothing short of a miracle.

Was it laryngitis? Was she in a coma? Was she sleeping off a massive hangover from drinking ’til 6am? Did someone hypnotize her?

We had to find out.

“Misogyny is running rampant in our country. All men are sexist and benefit from the oppression of women at every moment of their lives” she told us. “but that particular day I was actually working on an essay for my gender studies class and confined myself to my dorm room, away from any distraction”.

Our curiosity could no longer be contained, we had to know what she was writing about. Thankfully, she was willing to share with us the essay she was working on that day:

Misogyny’

By: Zeda 

“America was never great, especially for women. We have long endured the misogynistic paradigms which have enabled male dominance in our society. In fact, our culture has been extremely misogynistic since the conception of this country in the 18th century and has been prevalent in almost every society since the beginning of recorded history.

Misogynistic behaviorism has been carefully built into the architecture of human life, by men, to ensure their power over us. They cleverly normalize misogynistic behavior in order to quell any potential uprooting of said power by deeming the very opposition presented as anti-human. When women speak out against the patriarchy they’re always charged with the crime of hindering fecundity via allegations of deliberate abstinence or rejection of heterosexual intercourse.

This is not only misogynistic but demonstrates homophobic tendencies among cis-gendered males as well. Men attempt to discredit feminism by realigning its definition to be lesbianic and misandric, rather than its accurate interpretation; equality.

Misogynistic normality is thus preserved through this deliberate misconstruing of empirical data.  Arguably this places the deconstruction of misogynistic infrastructure into the very hands of the misogynistic perpetrators.

In other words, the struggle of feminism becomes the fight to convince misogynistic men to destroy the power of misogynistic men.” 

Well, there you have it folks, an incredible feat accomplished. Zeda, the feminist, miraculously went an entire day without SAYING the word ‘misogynistic’. 😉

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Poser Feels Betrayed by Johnny Ramone’s Political Affiliation

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It’s super hard being an upper middle class punk rocker in suburbia, especially when you’re the only one who “gets it”… at least, that’s what our friend Devin believes; who confidently begins all of his rants with “punk is actually about.”

For “years” (actually only about 2 years) Devin has been an avid fan of the old school punk band ‘The Ramones’.

“The Ramones are pretty much what got me into punk, they’re not posers like Green Day”. He told us.

On a recent trip to Hot Topic to buy some ‘manic panic’ red hair dye, some posters and a leather studded wristband, Devin found himself engaged in small talk with the store manager. A conversation that would ultimately lead to a devastating realization.

Noticing that Devin was sporting his favorite Ramones Tee, the manager brought up Johnny Ramone and they engaged in discussion.

The conversation was friendly and going rather well, until the store manager said:

“Yeah, it’s kinda funny that Johnny Ramone was such a hardcore Republican.”

Devin was instantly livid and felt like the store manager stuck a dagger through his heart.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Devin ignorantly replied. “Johnny Ramone wasn’t a fucking Republican”.

Seeing that he was visibly upset, the store manager diplomatically said “I could be wrong, just something I heard once” and then rang him up.

It was a quiet car ride home from the mall that evening. The only thing Devin could think about was what that store manager had said to him. He even refused when his mommy asked if he wanted to stop and get a Wendy’s Frosty.

Could it be true? Devin finally mustered up the courage to get on google and look up Johnny Ramone’s political affiliation.

“I felt betrayed” Devin told us. “Punk is actually about anarchy, communism and fighting bigotry. I can’t fucking believe Johnny Ramone was a conservative.” He went on, “Punk is actually about love and all conservatives want is hate. Punk is actually about peace and all conservatives want is war. Punk is peace, love and anarchy.”

We don’t suspect Devin will be wearing his once favorite Ramones tee anymore. Fortunately, however, the Che Guevara Tee that he had his mom order for him from Amazon should be arriving any day now, and he’ll have a brand new shirt to wear that he doesn’t fully understand. 😉

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White Knight Cuck Confused by Lack of Sex Life

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Like many of us, Jesse lacked the necessary physical upper-body strength, stamina and overall physique to participate in competitive sports like football in high school.

Unfortunately he also sucked at playing the guitar, was afraid to skateboard and the only time he ever drank a beer it gave him a tummy ache; so he was pretty much a social outcast.

Oh and he sucked at chess too, so all the nerds laughed at him as well, en passant.

Jesse struggled with his evident, tormenting and seemingly perpetual virginity. That is, until he started college and realized there may yet be hope with the previously undiscovered social trend of academia; politics.

“I started getting involved with social justice activism and I was able to meet and converse with like-minded individuals.” Jesse told us.  “My professors taught me about white privilege, racial bias, and how women and minorities in our society are treated as second-class citizens.”

Jesse had finally found a social order that would accept him, and more importantly it gave him access to females which was otherwise an implausibility.  Naturally, he ran with it.

“Like, I take this stuff seriously, if I hear anyone saying something racist, misogynistic, transphobic, sexist, islamaphobic, homophobic, xenophobic, or bigoted I’m gonna call them on their shit. I might even throw down!” Jesse added.

Despite being friend-zoned multiple times by his female comrades, our buddy Jesse didn’t give up hope. He began seeking the affection of a pretty young woman who attended his gender studies class. He was on a secret mission to win her over.

“This girl is amazing. She’s passionate about woman’s rights and social justice, and yeah, she’s just amazing. If anyone tried to insult her, they’d have me to deal with.”

Gwen, our lovely young aforementioned lady, however, had other plans. She started dating a guy named Chaz, who coincidentally was a star athlete with chiseled abs and bulging muscles.

Jesse was not happy. When asked how he felt, he told us:

“I seriously don’t get how a girl like Gwen could pick a douche bro like Chaz over me. He must have brainwashed her or something. I mean, I carry her books to class for her, I view her as an equal, I pay for her lunch almost every day because I know she only gets paid 77 cents for every dollar I make at the same job we work at, I stand up for her rights as a woman, I start her car and drive it up to the curb when it’s raining and cold, I’d do anything for her, I practically worship this girl. I really don’t understand how she ended up with that neanderthal jock and not me. I. JUST. DON’T. GET. IT.”

Jesse still hasn’t gotten laid, but we’re sure it will happen soon… I mean, women love guys like Jesse, right?

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Feminist Seeks Therapy After Laughing at Rape Joke

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Roxanne and her roommate decided to take a break from fighting the patriarchy and explaining things to people in a condescending manner with exaggerated vowel pronunciations to sit in their dorm room and chill for the night.

Becky, the roommate, was a little less politically correct than Roxanne and decided to put on a George Carlin’s stand up playlist on Youtube.

Roxanne thought Carlin was a bit too misogynistic for her, but since she had a fresh quart of Ben & Jerry’s organic almond milk chocolate ‘frozen dessert’, she decided not to complain this one time.

Besides, she had a lot of homework for her Gender Studies class to catch up on and at least it would make some good background noise, she thought.

The night was lax and all was well… until, that is, something happened that would totally shatter her entire perception of reality and how she viewed herself as a human being.

She heard George Carlin’s stand up comedy playing in the background to where he made a joke about Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd… and she laughed.

“I seriously cannot believe I laughed at a rape joke. I just seriously contributed to the perpetuating of rape culture, white privilege and the propagation of the fascist patriarchy. I am such a horrible person.” She cried.

Fearing that her careless laughter was the result of deep-seated conditioning perpetrated by a male-dominated, misogynistic society, she sought immediate help.

“I contacted the guidance counselor and scheduled a meeting right away, this is seriously not cool, I can’t even.”

A therapy dog was released by the school to Roxanne’s care to help her through this traumatizing event. She is expected to make a full recovery in about a year and half after she graduates and lives in the real world for a few days.

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Antifa Protests Parents: Demand Allowance Increase

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Christopher simply had enough with his fascist parents hoarding 92% of their after-tax earnings, and he is now demanding an increase in his allowance.

“100$ a week is simply not enough to live on” Christopher told us. “They have all that money, why can’t they just give me more?”

Christopher’s fat cat, running-dog capitalist parents just don’t get it. They have no idea what it’s like to be young and rebellious. Absolutely none whatsoever.

Christopher’s numerous attempts at reasonable dialogue yielded no results. Peaceful negotiating of his allowance with his  parents was a hopeless impossibility… it was time for direct action.

“The time for talk is over” he exclaimed, “the time for action is now!”

Organizing a couple of his Antifa comrades; equipped with a fashionable anarcho-communist flag and stylish balaclavas, they were now prepared for the allowance revolution.  They would make sure Christopher got his raise, by any means necessary.

“Yeah, my Dad was so super mad about me smashing his windows, spray painting anarchy signs on the side of the house and lighting off fireworks on the front porch that he tried to ground me for a month and make me do chores to pay for the damage…”

*scoffs*

“I told him, ‘nice try pops, but I am ungovernable’.  What’s the cost of a few worthless windows weighed next to the oppression that I face every day anyhow?”

Christopher’s struggle continues; as his rapacious, unrelenting Nazi parents just wont budge on this very serious allowance issue. However, they were nice enough to provide him with play-dough and coloring books to help him through this difficult time.

 

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10 Easy Steps to Become a Feminist

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Are you tired of the patriarchy and the male dominated society that you must endure on a daily basis? Well, then maybe it’s time to give feminism a try and fight back!

By following these 10 easy steps, you’ll be a true feminist in no time!

1.) Embrace your delusions of superiority and convince yourself that your over bloated sense of self worth is justified.

2.) Understand that men are evil and deserve your utter contempt.

3.) Understand that men are useless except to conceive children but there are options that avoid sexual intercourse; sperm banks, adoption, or better yet… just get a lot of cats and forget about children because you’ll probably end up with an evil son if you go to a sperm bank anyway.

4.) Understand that women who submit to men are brainwashed and need you to rescue them; a bull horn is recommended to express your points to those women who refuse to hear you.

5.) Go Vegan, because animal based diets are barbaric and ripe with toxic masculinity.

6.) Ignore all evidence and data that supports the illusion of the ‘Wage Gap’ and continue to scream loudly about pay inequality rather than pursuing a higher income earning career. (Don’t forget your bullhorn.)

7.) If you’re intoxicated and horny and decide to submit to sexual intercourse with a man, it is highly recommended that you do not wallow in your regret… simply state that it was rape and sit back and enjoy watching his life go down the toilet.

8.) Understand that there is no physical difference between a male’s nipples and a woman’s nipples and be sure to periodically display your breasts in public protest, especially in places and at times deemed ‘highly inappropriate’ by the patriarchy.

9.) Remember, there is no need to take accountability for your actions or your perceived ineptitude; you are a victim of the patriarchy and there is no need to feel ashamed for being a woman.

10.) If anyone claims you are being a ‘femi-nazi’ or a ‘sexist against men’… chuckle politely and remind them that everything you are doing is for EQUALITY!

Once you get these simple 10 steps down, there are, of course, work shops and seminars that go into further detail of how to hone your feminist being.  Kick some ass sistas!

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