How to Have Sex with Feminists

Some of us have an inexplicable desire to engage in rough coitus with feminist women, for reasons far beyond our own imaginable comprehension.

Here is the ultimate guide to achieving consensual relations with feminist bitches.

How to Have Sex with Feminists

The first thing one must understand before they embark upon their journey of banging feminist broads, is that feminists absolutely detest men who say they are feminists.

They will post on twitter, facebook, etc. about how they appreciate men who are “down with the cause” but I assure you that this is pure fallacy.

Do not, under any circumstances, say that you are a feminist or that you are politically driven to fight for the cause of women’s rights. They hate that shit.

A majority of women who have adopted the ‘feminist’ label have done so because they were rejected by the hot beefcake alpha-male jock in high school.

If you present yourself as a beta-male cucklord she will dry up like the Sahara desert.

Intelligence is a virtuous, noble and grand trait to posses while you’re in the company of educated men who are of sound reason and mind, but to flaunt it in front of a feminist is a surefire route directly to masturbationville.

The more of a dumb, lunkheaded imbecile you fashion yourself to be, the more of a chance you will have at performing the deeds of carnal lust.

Once you have established that you’re firmly, but inconceivably, against feminism and you hold the belief that women were created for the pleasure of men, you’re pretty much home free.

If she asks you who you voted for, don’t lie and say ‘Gary Johnson’, just tell her you voted for Trump, it will make her so aroused she wont even want to sign the comprehensive sexual consent forms that you most certainly should have brought with you.

The only thing I have left to say is “You’re Welcome”.

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Bette Midler Wants to Bang Rand Paul

Bette Midler posted a rather telling tweet on twitter yesterday about Rand Paul.

At a cursory glance it may seem like she doesn’t like him, and she wants his neighbor to beat him up again…

In actuality it’s misdirected sexual frustration. You see, Rand Paul doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse with Bette Midler. I know I know,  he must be gay to turn down such a sexy old woman like her, but hey, we all have our preferences, right?

Apparently she doesn’t handle rejection well.  Poor old bag just needs some wind beneath her wings.

Read this Blog or We’ll Shoot this Dog

We have an escalating problem in America that requires immediate attention; we’re forgetting how to fucking laugh.

Don’t worry, we’re not actually going to kill the dog… this is an image taken from a 1973 issue of National Lampoon magazine, and its purpose is to illustrate a point.

There have always been advocacy groups, religious groups, cry baby groups etc. that have tried to stifle free expression in our nation. These groups wont be going away, and this article isn’t really directed towards them personally.

This article focuses more on the artists themselves and the growing acceptance that there is no longer an appropriate arena for dark humor.

Growing up in the 80’s and 90’s, I remember that the approach to rampant political correctness or puritan religious groups was almost always ‘fuck them, we’ll fight back and we’ll come out with shit to piss them off even more’.

That attitude has changed significantly as pointed out by veteran comedians such as Mel Brooks, who stated that “political correctness is killing comedy”.

Political correctness isn’t killing comedy. It’s our collective willingness to accept political correctness as a viable force that is killing comedy. The artists, publishers, companies etc. who are bending to this madness is what is killing comedy.

Political correctness should be fueling comedy. This should be a golden age, a renaissance of dark humor, a revisiting of that attitude that we’re not going to bend to the whim of radical puritans who resolve to strip away our free expression and claim victory for the whiny, smug, intolerant authoritarians of our society.

Remember the ’94 Hart Bochner cinematic classic ‘PCU’? You know how easy it would be to do a remake of that movie in today’s climate? It would be epic.

Artists, however, are pulling away from ‘questionable’ material like this out of fear of backlash, out of fear they will reduce their careers to ruin.

The intellectual community, the artistic community, the liberal community, need to reanalyze the importance of comedy and remember that there is a distinguishable difference between the propagation of bigotry and the celebration of humor.

I assure you this is not a virtue signal, but rather an effort to illustrate the key difference between the two:

Racism is and has been for a long time one thing that I simply don’t like. When I was discussing the 1967 Mulford Act with a group of conservative gun rights advocates, I was surprised by their willingness to bend their ‘unwavering’ support for gun liberty when the objective was to disarm or hinder the gun rights of black people, as such was the focus of the 1967 Mulford Act.

To be fair, many conservatives and libertarians are against the Mulford act, but you’ll find people out there who are fairly comfortable with the idea of disarming black people.

This is a real political issue that requires a sober perspective and clear insight… far different from racial humor.

The social justice warriors of today think that there is no place for racial humor because it leads to these types of ‘macro-oppression’s’.

Bullocks. Racial humor is fuckin’ fantastic.

It’s a beautiful sight to see a black man and white man joke around with each other, derive humor from stereotypes and afterward smile, shake hands and drink a damn beer together like adults who are capable of not taking shit too seriously.

This happens all the time in the real world. It’s a scary and dangerous premise for a sheltered college regressive to understand, but I assure you it’s very common and most people don’t think it’s a huge deep-seated problem until you indoctrinate them with the idea that there’s malice involved.

It is perfectly reasonable to assess that someone who is not racist, not sexist, not homophobic can make racist sexist and homophobic jokes and keep it within the parameter of humor, Joan Rivers did it all the time. I would be daring enough to say that it’s a bonding experience moreso than a cause for a massive triggering.

The point is, we’re adults, we can handle making fun of each other. I can handle people making fun of me and my beliefs and what not and I am able to detect when there’s humor involved from an occasion where there’s malice intended. We have this ability, there’s no need to send comedy to the altar of sacrifice.

To my fellow artists and comedians out there, I implore, please stop giving in to this regressive pseudo-liberal orthodoxy and stand firm in your efforts to bring humor and delight to the world and stop worrying about offending a bunch of PC college thugs.

Remember what George Carlin said. “Political Correctness is America’s newest form of Intolerance”.

 

Nancy Pelosi ‘Stare-Raped’ Me

Somewhere amidst my tenure of calling people cucks and snowflakes I realized that I too was a human being with feelings and emotions. *sad face*

I came to this unsettling epiphany  during a congressional banquet where I was in attendance as an intern and was fortunate enough to dine with a major league roster of Republicans and Democrats.

Sometime during the event I noticed something rather irregular; a sort of burning sensation that I was being “inappropriately analyzed.”

The perpetrator of this heinous assault was none other than Nancy Pelosi, who I had originally thought was a wax statue decoration in the banquet hall because I previously hadn’t noticed any movement of any kind from her.

Had the feminists been right all along? Was there really such thing as “stare rape”?

Before that event I would’ve laughed, called you a cucklord and strutted away in my confident arrogance that you were a special snowflake.

My greatest fear was realized, however, that the feminists were right, stare rape was a real thing and it was happening to me!

With each visual caress from Pelosi I became startlingly aware that I was a victim of stare rape; she was undressing me with her eyes and thinking about ravenous sexual intercourse with me, no doubt.

It was such a tremendous violation that, beyond my reasonable judgement, I took to receding into isolation and engaged in a regiment of coloring book therapy for months.

#metoo

Bitches Love the Patriarchy

“The happiest woman on earth is the one who fully submits to a man.” ~ Some jackass

He’s right though.

You see, women are no different than children. Remember the movie Titanic? Where they only let women and children on the life boats after Titanic started to sink?

Me either, because only women and children watch that gay ass movie.

100% of women are incapable of leadership and instinctively everyone knows they are just children that need the right amount of attention.

Once you give a woman the right amount of attention, she will happily clean your toilet in high heels while you fuck her doggy style.

Why is this? Because the relentless crying from women is just a test from women to find out who the real men are.

The fake men are the ones who say they are feminists and agree that women are equal to them.

Ha!

Women are not equal to men, men are Kings and women are servants to their masters.

Every day a woman who has strayed from reality and ventured into the idiotic realm of feminism wanders back, settles down with a man, has children and becomes the happiest creature on earth.

Secretly bitches love the patriarchy… but shhh, it’s a big secret 😉

Civil War 2: Snowflakes vs Bigots

The year was 2020. The crisp evening of a pale November endured an eerie silence as the world awaited to reveal its new king.

Resounding whispers echoed a prophetic lament for civilization: “War is upon you.”

In the preceding years, the tension between the left-wing and the right-wing intensified to the point to where it could no longer be contained.

“If you voted for Trump, you’re a Nazi, if you’re sympathetic to Trump, you’re Nazi, if you voted 3rd party then you’re a Nazi, if you’re a liberal who believes in free speech then you’re a Nazi, if you’re a Libertarian, you’re a Nazi.  If you’re not behind us, then you’re in front of us, and if you’re in front of us then you’re going to die.”  The words of an Antifa member.

The age of the freethinker had come to a sorrowful end; the renaissance had expired. The glory days of conversing and exchanging ideas in the marketplace of free expression were now behind us. The era of individualism wrought its ghost upon the chronicles of time.  You were either Team Left, or Team Right.

“These snowflakes and libtards are going down, you’re either with us, or against us. We’re going to make America great again!” One man said as he adjusted his Maga hat and grabbed his plastic shield. “It’s time for war!”

The year was 2021. In an effort to contain the bloodshed, rioting and war, the Government issued Martial Law. Hopes of restoring order had long diminished and the future of the nation appeared fleeting and intangible.

This Civil war was much different than the first Civil war. In the first war one side was fighting for independence while the other side was fighting for unification. In this war, both sides were fighting for secession.

“What happened to the tenets of liberty, the constitution, our American ideals?!” cried a man to both sides, who were poised in the rainy streets before the culmination of battle.  “What happened to the idea that we can have different ideas and still live harmoniously? What happened to…”

Before he could finish, he was shot dead in the street and the ominous words spoken enshrouded the night. “Those days are over.”

The year was 2022. Suffering a military Coup d’etat, the Government had lost a faction of its armed forces to those who decided to either join the efforts of the war upon the unexpected victories of the left (who were originally thought to be fragile snowflakes incapable of wielding firearms.) or simply refused to shoot down citizens in violation of the posse comitatus act.

What happened to the conservative, gun toting, Jesus-loving Christian men and women? Surely their combined forces would’ve expelled the leftists rather quickly and handsomely?

They never joined into the war. All those years the left thought they were all bigots and Nazis, they turned out to prove them wrong. They refused to take up arms in a vacuous, unjustified war.

What happened to the liberal, the atheist, the progressive thinking men and women of reason and logic? Surely they would confront the bigotry of “Team Right” and take up arms to save society from hatred?

They never joined into the war. All those years the right thought they were all standing in solidarity with the radical left, they were wrong. They refused to take up arms in a vacuous, unjustified war.

So who was in the war? Who were the catalyst behind the inevitable fall of the nation? Who were these people who were fighting? Who were these people who were making it impossible for the majority of the country to live their lives in peace?

They were a small fraction of both sides, the fringe, the extremists, they were those who were incapable of compromise, those bereft of reason and logic. They were the faulty caboose whose disproportionate momentum derailed the entire train of civilization.

The year was 2023. Unable to restore order, foreign entities saw an opportunity to gain footing in unstable territory. Many had fled the United States, many joined the war simply to see it end, and others survived how they could until it was over or until they were killed for being fence walkers or complacent.

The previous three years the war saw little intervention from outside parties. Since the occupation of territory by invading, impartial forces took rise, the United States called on NATO and United Nations to draft treaty and end the war.

A war, at this point, no one even remembered how it started or why they were fighting each other. They just knew they hated each other and weren’t going to stop until the other side was vanquished.

Eventually order would be restored and the nation made whole again. The people of this great land would have one thing to remember:

Never let extremists divide the Nation, ever again.

Legalize Freedom T-Shirt

Jesus Visits Colleges; Plans Epic Flood

Jesus is a busy man. Recently, however, he wanted to take a break from checking Facebook posts to see if they met the required number of “likes” in order to heal sick children, to visit a College, relax and do some partying.

He hadn’t been to a College party since the mid 90’s and wanted to relive some of those wild times.

First stop on the Jesus party tour was Amherst College.

“Holy shit, it’s Jesus!” shouted one of the campus’s dudebros.

“Hey guy’s, where’s the party at tonight?” Jesus asked. “We’ll get a keg, scope out the chicks, you know…”

Overhearing the conversation, a shrill, homely feminist approached Jesus and interrupted: “Excuse me Jesus? Did you just refer to women as ‘chicks?!’

A crowd of feminists formed as they began to interrogate Jesus… he thought to himself ‘Jesus Christ, you picked the wrong college bro‘ and slipped away from the angry mob as they turned their attention to the dudebros who were defending him.

Next stop on the Jesus party tour was Berkeley University.

Jesus spotted a small crowd of peeps that looked like they might’ve been down to party.

“Hey man” Jesus asked, “So where are all the good parties happening tonight?”

The bewildered crowd looked stunned, but not because they were in the presence of Jesus himself.

“Man?” asked one of the students. “Jesus, did you just assume this person’s gender?!”

Jesus sighed and said to himself “God damn, you gotta be kidding me.”

Jesus isn’t likely to return to Berkeley anytime soon, because right after he left Antifa showed up and burned the place down carrying signs that said “Jesus is a Fascist”.

The final stop on the Jesus Party Tour was Yale University.

Jesus was determined to find a good campus party, so he decided to tread carefully as to not run into anymore social justice warriors.

Before he could even talk to anyone, a student approached him and demanded to know why he was wearing white robes and sandals.

“You’re appropriating the culture of Muslims and making a mockery of the Umrah pilgrimage by wearing that!” The student exclaimed.

Jesus quickly got away from him and headed to the other side of the campus.

He noticed a pretty young girl who didn’t have a pink Chelsea haircut or hiking boots on and thought to himself hey, maybe this girl is down to party, eh?

She became visibly angry and hostile and made wild accusations against Jesus.

“Uh, you’ve been looking at me for longer than 3 seconds, stop raping me!”

It was at that point that Jesus knew there would be no party that night. Disappointed and depressed, Jesus headed home, turned on his Rush 2112 album and smoked a joint quietly in his room.

“Son,” God said to Jesus as he came in to check on him. “What’s the matter?”

“We fucked up didn’t we Dad?” Jesus pleaded. “76 Genders, Halloween costumes are offensive, looking at women is rape, everyone and everything is racist….”

“Yes Son, we did”.

“You know what they say” Jesus said with hope as he grabbed a pencil and paper to draft his plans for an apocalyptic flood. “The third time is a charm”.