Jesus Visits Colleges; Plans Epic Flood

Jesus is a busy man. Recently, however, he wanted to take a break from checking Facebook posts to see if they met the required number of “likes” in order to heal sick children, to visit a College, relax and do some partying.

He hadn’t been to a College party since the mid 90’s and wanted to relive some of those wild times.

First stop on the Jesus party tour was Amherst College.

“Holy shit, it’s Jesus!” shouted one of the campus’s dudebros.

“Hey guy’s, where’s the party at tonight?” Jesus asked. “We’ll get a keg, scope out the chicks, you know…”

Overhearing the conversation, a shrill, homely feminist approached Jesus and interrupted: “Excuse me Jesus? Did you just refer to women as ‘chicks?!’

A crowd of feminists formed as they began to interrogate Jesus… he thought to himself ‘Jesus Christ, you picked the wrong college bro‘ and slipped away from the angry mob as they turned their attention to the dudebros who were defending him.

Next stop on the Jesus party tour was Berkeley University.

Jesus spotted a small crowd of peeps that looked like they might’ve been down to party.

“Hey man” Jesus asked, “So where are all the good parties happening tonight?”

The bewildered crowd looked stunned, but not because they were in the presence of Jesus himself.

“Man?” asked one of the students. “Jesus, did you just assume this person’s gender?!”

Jesus sighed and said to himself “God damn, you gotta be kidding me.”

Jesus isn’t likely to return to Berkeley anytime soon, because right after he left Antifa showed up and burned the place down carrying signs that said “Jesus is a Fascist”.

The final stop on the Jesus Party Tour was Yale University.

Jesus was determined to find a good campus party, so he decided to tread carefully as to not run into anymore social justice warriors.

Before he could even talk to anyone, a student approached him and demanded to know why he was wearing white robes and sandals.

“You’re appropriating the culture of Muslims and making a mockery of the Umrah pilgrimage by wearing that!” The student exclaimed.

Jesus quickly got away from him and headed to the other side of the campus.

He noticed a pretty young girl who didn’t have a pink Chelsea haircut or hiking boots on and thought to himself hey, maybe this girl is down to party, eh?

She became visibly angry and hostile and made wild accusations against Jesus.

“Uh, you’ve been looking at me for longer than 3 seconds, stop raping me!”

It was at that point that Jesus knew there would be no party that night. Disappointed and depressed, Jesus headed home, turned on his Rush 2112 album and smoked a joint quietly in his room.

“Son,” God said to Jesus as he came in to check on him. “What’s the matter?”

“We fucked up didn’t we Dad?” Jesus pleaded. “76 Genders, Halloween costumes are offensive, looking at women is rape, everyone and everything is racist….”

“Yes Son, we did”.

“You know what they say” Jesus said with hope as he grabbed a pencil and paper to draft his plans for an apocalyptic flood. “The third time is a charm”.

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Social Justice Warriors are Nazis

We all see the “Social Justice” crowd explicitly demanding racial equality, but is that what they really want?

If you read between the lines they’re actually white supremacists trying to subliminally indoctrinate white superiority into the minds of would-be progressives to counteract any true progress being made towards a society that predominately houses non-racist beliefs.

You see, while it may seem like they’re attacking the “white man” and trying to divert or dismantle his alleged power, they’re actually reinforcing a very racist idea that he is superior.

It’s a false dichotomy; a double-think reverse psychology tactic— pretend that the white man is superior, make him the enemy, and therefore he becomes superior by proxy. This is their agenda.

It’s a big conspiracy led by covert National Socialist groups who operate from a secret base stationed on the moon.

Serious business here folks.  We have to stop these fascists.

Man Learns How to Make Sandwich; Seeks Divorce

Bill never realized how easy it was to make his own sandwich. Since his wife (who had recently discovered how much of a feminist she was after years of abysmal servitude) refused to make him a sandwich on ‘International Women’s Day’, he was forced to learn.

“That shit is easy” he told us “It’s just two pieces of bread and you throw some crap in the middle and bada-bing-bada-boom you’re done.”

After discovering how easy it was, Bill started questioning his need to have a wife at all.

“What good is she for? I mean, if I gotta make my own sandwiches, why do I need her?” He debated with himself. “I mean, look at me, I’m a prized catch, I could be out there scoring 21 year old girls all the time.”

Bill made an excellent point. Being as athletic and handsome as he most certainly is, why should he settle for a wife who refuses to make him a damn sandwich?

Bill plans to call a divorce lawyer tomorrow, right after he makes himself a gnarly sandwich.

Politically Correct Pansies T-Shirt

 

 

Girl Joins All Female Gym; Regrets Decision

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Sandra recently subscribed to the Facebook page ‘Every Day Feminism’ and after being exposed to 100% true information about all men being sexist perverts, she decided to join an all female gym.

Unfortunately, the patriarchal oppression she has endured since birth was too far ingrained, and she began regretting her decision.

Her skimpy outfits just seemed like a waste of money now. Her ridiculously toned body was underappreciated and the attention she once had was now replaced with hallow loneliness.

“I hate to say it” she told us, “but I miss guys checking me out at the gym. I know that’s wrong and anti-feminist, but it’s true.”

She had nowhere else to turn, so she asked her feminist Facebook friends for some advice.

They told her that she was just brainwashed by a male-dominated society and that every time a man looked at her that they were actually raping her.

The only way she could liberate herself from the objectification was to not deliberately expose herself for other’s entertainment.

Sandra listened to her new-found feminist buddies and decided to stay at the all female gym, to finally put an end to this horrid objectification.

She took council from and formed a sisterhood bond with her comrades, who later this week are scheduled to protest white male patriarchal oppression by showing up in public without any shirts or bras on.

“Free the nipple”

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Idiots Attempt Satirical Anti-SJW Blog; Fail Miserably

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In the grand tradition of so called “anti-social justice warriors” failing at satire and humor, the blog “I Love Social Justice Warriors” is no exception.

The writers of the “I Love Social Justice Warriors” blog are embarrassingly convinced of their ability to intellectually derive humor from cultural and societal extremes, but are in fact failing every day at it.

Lacking the ability to appreciate the severity of social issues and undermining the causes to rectify societal ills, they somehow believe they are being comical; which they are not.

Jokes are not funny.

Humor is merely a way to cloak partiality and indifference, and their attempted ‘punk rock’ satire isn’t fooling anyone; they are bigots.

We’ve reached a point in our human evolution where any attempts to mock or criticize the efforts of social justice advocates are indisputably counter-productive. This is observed through chronological examination of hundreds of years of cultural anthropology.

Attempting to masquerade as free-thinking classical liberals, (rather than the right-wing fascists that they are) they are confessional in their dishonesty; they want to destroy the social justice movement via failed humor.

Anyone who indulges in the ‘I Love Social Justice Warriors’ blogs are merely showcasing their appetite to spread fear, misunderstanding and bigotry.

You absolutely cannot be anything but a racist, misogynistic, homophobic bigot unless you are fully on board with progressive left-wing social justice.

If you are a self-proclaimed “Anti-Social Justice Warrior” you are a bigot and you belong in jail. Social Justice has the government and the law on our side and any attempts to thwart it will be met with swift retaliation.

Again, the writers at “I Love Social Justice Warriors” are pathetic bigots and all of their fans are too.

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SJW Realizes He’s Being a Fascist

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“Social Justice is important to me” Brai told us. “There was once a time in our American history where cops wouldn’t even file paper work on people who were beaten up for being gay. To me that’s unacceptable.”

Brai recently attended a campus protest to shut down a conservative speaker who was invited to his University. It dawned on him as he looked around the room and watched everyone chanting “Hey Hey, Ho Ho, this racist, homophobic scum bag’s got to go” over and over.

“We are being fascists” he said. “Sure, I don’t like the anti-homosexual commentary that is spewing out of his mouth on that stage, standing there in a position of authority while hundreds of students listen to him, but there has to be a better way to go about this. He has his right to freedom of speech too, right?”

Brai spoke with the organizers of the protest and offered his idea.

Big mistake.

The student council and protest organizers were livid and began shouting in his face that he was a nazi sympathizer and that anyone who supported freedom of speech were supporting hate speech.

“I think they acted ridiculously” he told us. “I will never stop fighting for social justice and equality, but I will do so with enlightenment, discussion, and education, not attempting to shut down everyone I disagree with.”

A reasonable idea we thought, but unfortunately Brai is now known among the social justice warrior crowd at his school as ‘Brai the Nazi Guy’.

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Alt-Right ‘Bad Ass’ Questions Sexuality After Trying Vegan Food

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His name is Jimmy. His hobbies include posting Pepe memes, triggering ‘special snowflakes’ online, agreeing with Tomi Lahren, ¬†investigating pizzagate, and shit-posting on 4chan.

Recently Jimmy got himself into a masochistic relationship with a quasi-feminist; this is basically a delusional girl who tries to be new age, liberal and hip but really she’s just a trailer park princess who bathes irregularly and likes tarot cards.

They met at Denny’s.

Shawna, his beloved new 3rd place trophy girlfriend, recently converted to vegetarianism. As such, she is always trying to get Jimmy to try vegan options, but he believes he is just far too masculine to eat gay vegan food.

One afternoon Shawna convinced Jimmy to hop in her Ford pickup truck, littered with radical-left wing and witch craft related bumper stickers, and drive downtown for lunch at some hipster restaurant.

After a bout of incessant nagging and a vying for power from Shawna, Jimmy reluctantly agreed to allow her to order their lunch… she told him he was getting a cheese steak, but little did he know it was a faux-meat, vegan “un-cheese” steak.

With a rather pompous grin on her face, she watched with delight as he finished his vegan “cheese steak” and then asked “How did you like your first vegan cheese steak?” and then chuckled.

Jimmy was outraged by this deception, he mumbled something about libtards, stormed out and then refused to talk all the way home.

Something was weighing heavy on Jimmy’s mind on that car ride home, however. Was it possible that he actually enjoyed the Vegan sandwich that he ate at the hipster dive?

“I can’t believe she did that to me, feeding me that horrible dog-shit vegan food” he told us. “I’ve never tasted anything so revolting in my life.”

Jimmy paused for a moment…

“Ah, who am I kidding?” he said. “It was fucking delicious.”

Fearing his masculinity was in jeopardy, he immediately turned to watching hardcore lesbian strangle porn, drank a 5th of whiskey neat, smoked a case of cigars, shot $300 worth of ammunition from various assault rifles and handguns, and somehow managed to find a baby seal and proceeded to club it to death and eat it raw.

“I’m tough” Jimmy said. “Fuckin’ snowflakes and their vegan food.”

Shawna told us that, a month later, she caught Jimmy at the hipster restaurant downtown to where she suspects he was ordering a vegan cheese steak. Jimmy denies this accusation.

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