Girl Joins All Female Gym; Regrets Decision

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Sandra recently subscribed to the Facebook page ‘Every Day Feminism’ and after being exposed to 100% true information about all men being sexist perverts, she decided to join an all female gym.

Unfortunately, the patriarchal oppression she has endured since birth was too far ingrained, and she began regretting her decision.

Her skimpy outfits just seemed like a waste of money now. Her ridiculously toned body was underappreciated and the attention she once had was now replaced with hallow loneliness.

“I hate to say it” she told us, “but I miss guys checking me out at the gym. I know that’s wrong and anti-feminist, but it’s true.”

She had nowhere else to turn, so she asked her feminist Facebook friends for some advice.

They told her that she was just brainwashed by a male-dominated society and that every time a man looked at her that they were actually raping her.

The only way she could liberate herself from the objectification was to not deliberately expose herself for other’s entertainment.

Sandra listened to her new-found feminist buddies and decided to stay at the all female gym, to finally put an end to this horrid objectification.

She took council from and formed a sisterhood bond with her comrades, who later this week are scheduled to protest white male patriarchal oppression by showing up in public without any shirts or bras on.

“Free the nipple”

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Idiots Attempt Satirical Anti-SJW Blog; Fail Miserably

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In the grand tradition of so called “anti-social justice warriors” failing at satire and humor, the blog “I Love Social Justice Warriors” is no exception.

The writers of the “I Love Social Justice Warriors” blog are embarrassingly convinced of their ability to intellectually derive humor from cultural and societal extremes, but are in fact failing every day at it.

Lacking the ability to appreciate the severity of social issues and undermining the causes to rectify societal ills, they somehow believe they are being comical; which they are not.

Jokes are not funny.

Humor is merely a way to cloak partiality and indifference, and their attempted ‘punk rock’ satire isn’t fooling anyone; they are bigots.

We’ve reached a point in our human evolution where any attempts to mock or criticize the efforts of social justice advocates are indisputably counter-productive. This is observed through chronological examination of hundreds of years of cultural anthropology.

Attempting to masquerade as free-thinking classical liberals, (rather than the right-wing fascists that they are) they are confessional in their dishonesty; they want to destroy the social justice movement via failed humor.

Anyone who indulges in the ‘I Love Social Justice Warriors’ blogs are merely showcasing their appetite to spread fear, misunderstanding and bigotry.

You absolutely cannot be anything but a racist, misogynistic, homophobic bigot unless you are fully on board with progressive left-wing social justice.

If you are a self-proclaimed “Anti-Social Justice Warrior” you are a bigot and you belong in jail. Social Justice has the government and the law on our side and any attempts to thwart it will be met with swift retaliation.

Again, the writers at “I Love Social Justice Warriors” are pathetic bigots and all of their fans are too.

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SJW Realizes He’s Being a Fascist

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“Social Justice is important to me” Brai told us. “There was once a time in our American history where cops wouldn’t even file paper work on people who were beaten up for being gay. To me that’s unacceptable.”

Brai recently attended a campus protest to shut down a conservative speaker who was invited to his University. It dawned on him as he looked around the room and watched everyone chanting “Hey Hey, Ho Ho, this racist, homophobic scum bag’s got to go” over and over.

“We are being fascists” he said. “Sure, I don’t like the anti-homosexual commentary that is spewing out of his mouth on that stage, standing there in a position of authority while hundreds of students listen to him, but there has to be a better way to go about this. He has his right to freedom of speech too, right?”

Brai spoke with the organizers of the protest and offered his idea.

Big mistake.

The student council and protest organizers were livid and began shouting in his face that he was a nazi sympathizer and that anyone who supported freedom of speech were supporting hate speech.

“I think they acted ridiculously” he told us. “I will never stop fighting for social justice and equality, but I will do so with enlightenment, discussion, and education, not attempting to shut down everyone I disagree with.”

A reasonable idea we thought, but unfortunately Brai is now known among the social justice warrior crowd at his school as ‘Brai the Nazi Guy’.

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Alt-Right ‘Bad Ass’ Questions Sexuality After Trying Vegan Food

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His name is Jimmy. His hobbies include posting Pepe memes, triggering ‘special snowflakes’ online, agreeing with Tomi Lahren,  investigating pizzagate, and shit-posting on 4chan.

Recently Jimmy got himself into a masochistic relationship with a quasi-feminist; this is basically a delusional girl who tries to be new age, liberal and hip but really she’s just a trailer park princess who bathes irregularly and likes tarot cards.

They met at Denny’s.

Shawna, his beloved new 3rd place trophy girlfriend, recently converted to vegetarianism. As such, she is always trying to get Jimmy to try vegan options, but he believes he is just far too masculine to eat gay vegan food.

One afternoon Shawna convinced Jimmy to hop in her Ford pickup truck, littered with radical-left wing and witch craft related bumper stickers, and drive downtown for lunch at some hipster restaurant.

After a bout of incessant nagging and a vying for power from Shawna, Jimmy reluctantly agreed to allow her to order their lunch… she told him he was getting a cheese steak, but little did he know it was a faux-meat, vegan “un-cheese” steak.

With a rather pompous grin on her face, she watched with delight as he finished his vegan “cheese steak” and then asked “How did you like your first vegan cheese steak?” and then chuckled.

Jimmy was outraged by this deception, he mumbled something about libtards, stormed out and then refused to talk all the way home.

Something was weighing heavy on Jimmy’s mind on that car ride home, however. Was it possible that he actually enjoyed the Vegan sandwich that he ate at the hipster dive?

“I can’t believe she did that to me, feeding me that horrible dog-shit vegan food” he told us. “I’ve never tasted anything so revolting in my life.”

Jimmy paused for a moment…

“Ah, who am I kidding?” he said. “It was fucking delicious.”

Fearing his masculinity was in jeopardy, he immediately turned to watching hardcore lesbian strangle porn, drank a 5th of whiskey neat, smoked a case of cigars, shot $300 worth of ammunition from various assault rifles and handguns, and somehow managed to find a baby seal and proceeded to club it to death and eat it raw.

“I’m tough” Jimmy said. “Fuckin’ snowflakes and their vegan food.”

Shawna told us that, a month later, she caught Jimmy at the hipster restaurant downtown to where she suspects he was ordering a vegan cheese steak. Jimmy denies this accusation.

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Anti-Capitalist Accidentally Wins Lottery; Abandons Anarchy

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Mitchell just turned 18 and was ready to fight the system and smash the state. What better way to stick it to the man than to hop a gondola for a free ride to Ocala for the ‘Regional Rainbow Gathering’? he thought.

He planned to hitch a ride from a travel plaza in South Carolina to a train yard outside of Charleston, hop a gondola en route to Savanna then hop the hot shot to Jacksonville, meet up with his “comrades” there, then hitchhike towards Ocala National Forest.

It was a plan that would guarantee an exciting few weeks of drinking, debauchery and living wild and free.  Something happened, however, that he quite naturally did not anticipate…

While panhandling and asking for rides at the travel plaza (without  much luck) he noticed that the man who was playing keno in the rest area left a plastic bag behind; containing some scratch offs (already scratched off), and a few lottery tickets (live tickets.)

“What a dumb ass” he said to himself as he stuffed the lottery tickets into his pocket and went on about his day.

The next few weeks were as adventurous and fulfilling as he hoped they would be. As he was unpacking his gear back in his home in South Carolina, he came across the lottery tickets that he had forgotten all about that he stuffed down inside of his pack.

“Money is oppressive and capitalism sucks” he said. “Everything you need, you can just pluck it from the trees” he added. Just for ‘shits and giggles’, however, he decided to have the lottery tickets checked.

To his absolute amazement he held within his hand a winning lottery ticket that would soon award him an astonishing $100,000 (before taxes that is)

After collecting the money he thought the first order of anarcho-communist business was to throw a raging party for all his friends and buy a massive amount of beer and drugs. (cool move, homie)

Unfortunately, this wasn’t good enough for his collective. They wanted him to redistribute all of the funds back into the community.

He refused to give it up and was quickly ostracized by the same group he just fed $1200 worth of beer and cocaine to.

“I mean, maybe I should have given the money to the community, but I figured I could use that to go to college and get educated and fight the system from within, ya know?”

Heresy! the group thought, and they turned on him.

After feeling so much rejection from his peers, he decided that maybe anarcho-communism wasn’t right for him.

“I think I’m more of a minarchist anyway. Those guys suck”.

Moral of the story: money talks, bullshit walks 😉

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Ban List – A List of the Most Offensive Things Ever

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The world is just far too fragile to be able to live in peace when people have so much freedom, so obviously everything must be banned.

Here is a list of the things that should go first and the reasons why.

  • Guns – they are bad and only bad people have them, ban them now!
  • Alcohol – is bad, and it only leads to more dangerous drugs like marijuana
  • Weed – is bad and only leads to more dangerous things like alcohol
  • White people – white people procreating is a criminal act, ban it
  • Christianity – it threatens the only peaceful religion ever; Islam
  • Islam – It’s patriarchal and oppressive to women and homosexuals
  • Europeans – because they are oppressive to Muslims
  • Straight Men – because they are homophobic
  • Cis Gendered Men – because they are transphobic
  • Toy Guns – Because they are actually real guns too
  • Video Games – they are sexist and only 35 year old white guys play them
  • Marilyn Manson – Offensive to Christians
  • Socks – They are offensive to indigenous people who don’t have them
  • Shoes – only rich white people wear shoes, ban them
  • Casinos – a breeding ground for rich white capitalism
  • Capitalism – because free markets breed rich white people who oppress
  • Christmas – promotes commercialism and gluttony
  • Thin People – they body shame over-weight people just by existing
  • Sports Cars – only rich white people drive sports cars
  • Rock Music – Stolen from Africans and turned into white devil music
  • Rap Music – promotes gun use, rape culture and sexism
  • Condoms – protects rapists from being identifiable
  • Abortions – God doesn’t like it when you kill babies
  • Babies – Over population is somehow bigotry, get an abortion
  • Frosted Flakes – white people cereal that implies white superiority
  • Wal Mart – enables rednecks to survive, ban it!
  • Trucks – only rednecks drive trucks
  • Rednecks – Self-explanatory, Ban them
  • Cheetos – they look like Donald Trump, ban them
  • Snow – Offensive to Africans and Latinxs
  • Milk Duds – racist
  • Oreos – very racist
  • Punk Rockers – they have mohawks; cultural appropriation of natives
  • Belts – body shaming devices
  • Scales – super offensive body shaming device
  • Disney Movies – Walt Disney was a Nazi
  • Emma Watson – Is a quasi-feminist Nazi sympathizer aka a Nazi
  • Scallops – bourgeois white people food, ban it
  • False Teeth – offensive to people with no teeth who can’t afford them
  • Jackets – culturally appropriating the homeless veterans
  • Veterans – baby killing jingoists
  • The American Flag – extremely racist
  • Coloring Books – offensive to poor kids with no crayons
  • Dildos – anti-feminist devices propagating male dominance
  • Chinese Food in USA – Chinese people have no idea what it is
  • Toilets – offensive to hillbillies who must poo in the woods
  • Zippers – possibly the most racist thing ever invented
  • CD Players – ancient devices used to spread sexism and racism with rap and rock
  • Meat – the Earth made vegetables for you to eat, not animals
  • Vegetables – expensive rich white people food
  • Books – Anti-Jewish propaganda
  • News – Israeli propaganda
  • Make up – anti-feminist tool of oppression (offensive to Muslims too)
  • Burkas – patriarchal oppression
  • Zelda – because everyone thinks Zelda is Link, and it’s sexist
  • Violins – a musical instrument invented by racists that only whites enjoy
  • Halloween – Cultural appropriation
  • Al Bundy – Fictional, misogynistic character right wingers love
  • Tampons – invented by men to make women ashamed of their periods
  • Free Speech – amendment designed for flag burning Nazis
  • Jokes – are never funny, ban them!

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Smug Liberal Feels Superior by Switching to Reusable Grocery Bags

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3 weeks ago Jean had an epiphany; she was contributing far too much to the destruction of the planet by accepting plastic bags at the grocery store.

“Plastic is like, bad, and we should stop hurting the planet with plastic. All oil companies want to do is make money, they don’t care about the planet”. She told us.

Feeling accomplished she took to Facebook to announce her new found environmentalism and suggested that all of her friends follow her brave lead.

“So I am now bringing my own shopping bags to the grocery store and I’m no longer buying water bottles… you should do the same 😉 ” she added.

Jean only has 3 organic reusable totes made from 85% recycled material at the moment, but she told us that she plans to get more.

“My SUV can hold at least 10 bags, so I’m definitely getting more. I need to buy a lot of groceries to feed my 7 kids, lol. I also drive the extra 20 miles to go to Wholefoods to make sure everyone is eating healthy.” she explained.  “This is so awesome, I’m doing so much for the environment, it allows me to sleep better at night knowing I’m no longer part of the problem.”

Jean is doing a great job at protecting mother earth, and we salute her for it!  Great job Jean!

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Feminist Goes Entire Day Without Saying ‘Misogynistic’

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In the last 365 days Zeda has said the word ‘misogynistic’ 3643 times, about 10 times per day for a year.

Recently, Zeda went an entire day without saying the word ‘misogynistic’; which was nothing short of a miracle.

Was it laryngitis? Was she in a coma? Was she sleeping off a massive hangover from drinking ’til 6am? Did someone hypnotize her?

We had to find out.

“Misogyny is running rampant in our country. All men are sexist and benefit from the oppression of women at every moment of their lives” she told us. “but that particular day I was actually working on an essay for my gender studies class and confined myself to my dorm room, away from any distraction”.

Our curiosity could no longer be contained, we had to know what she was writing about. Thankfully, she was willing to share with us the essay she was working on that day:

Misogyny’

By: Zeda 

“America was never great, especially for women. We have long endured the misogynistic paradigms which have enabled male dominance in our society. In fact, our culture has been extremely misogynistic since the conception of this country in the 18th century and has been prevalent in almost every society since the beginning of recorded history.

Misogynistic behaviorism has been carefully built into the architecture of human life, by men, to ensure their power over us. They cleverly normalize misogynistic behavior in order to quell any potential uprooting of said power by deeming the very opposition presented as anti-human. When women speak out against the patriarchy they’re always charged with the crime of hindering fecundity via allegations of deliberate abstinence or rejection of heterosexual intercourse.

This is not only misogynistic but demonstrates homophobic tendencies among cis-gendered males as well. Men attempt to discredit feminism by realigning its definition to be lesbianic and misandric, rather than its accurate interpretation; equality.

Misogynistic normality is thus preserved through this deliberate misconstruing of empirical data.  Arguably this places the deconstruction of misogynistic infrastructure into the very hands of the misogynistic perpetrators.

In other words, the struggle of feminism becomes the fight to convince misogynistic men to destroy the power of misogynistic men.” 

Well, there you have it folks, an incredible feat accomplished. Zeda, the feminist, miraculously went an entire day without SAYING the word ‘misogynistic’. 😉

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Poser Feels Betrayed by Johnny Ramone’s Political Affiliation

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It’s super hard being an upper middle class punk rocker in suburbia, especially when you’re the only one who “gets it”… at least, that’s what our friend Devin believes; who confidently begins all of his rants with “punk is actually about.”

For “years” (actually only about 2 years) Devin has been an avid fan of the old school punk band ‘The Ramones’.

“The Ramones are pretty much what got me into punk, they’re not posers like Green Day”. He told us.

On a recent trip to Hot Topic to buy some ‘manic panic’ red hair dye, some posters and a leather studded wristband, Devin found himself engaged in small talk with the store manager. A conversation that would ultimately lead to a devastating realization.

Noticing that Devin was sporting his favorite Ramones Tee, the manager brought up Johnny Ramone and they engaged in discussion.

The conversation was friendly and going rather well, until the store manager said:

“Yeah, it’s kinda funny that Johnny Ramone was such a hardcore Republican.”

Devin was instantly livid and felt like the store manager stuck a dagger through his heart.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Devin ignorantly replied. “Johnny Ramone wasn’t a fucking Republican”.

Seeing that he was visibly upset, the store manager diplomatically said “I could be wrong, just something I heard once” and then rang him up.

It was a quiet car ride home from the mall that evening. The only thing Devin could think about was what that store manager had said to him. He even refused when his mommy asked if he wanted to stop and get a Wendy’s Frosty.

Could it be true? Devin finally mustered up the courage to get on google and look up Johnny Ramone’s political affiliation.

“I felt betrayed” Devin told us. “Punk is actually about anarchy, communism and fighting bigotry. I can’t fucking believe Johnny Ramone was a conservative.” He went on, “Punk is actually about love and all conservatives want is hate. Punk is actually about peace and all conservatives want is war. Punk is peace, love and anarchy.”

We don’t suspect Devin will be wearing his once favorite Ramones tee anymore. Fortunately, however, the Che Guevara Tee that he had his mom order for him from Amazon should be arriving any day now, and he’ll have a brand new shirt to wear that he doesn’t fully understand. 😉

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White Knight Cuck Confused by Lack of Sex Life

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Like many of us, Jesse lacked the necessary physical upper-body strength, stamina and overall physique to participate in competitive sports like football in high school.

Unfortunately he also sucked at playing the guitar, was afraid to skateboard and the only time he ever drank a beer it gave him a tummy ache; so he was pretty much a social outcast.

Oh and he sucked at chess too, so all the nerds laughed at him as well, en passant.

Jesse struggled with his evident, tormenting and seemingly perpetual virginity. That is, until he started college and realized there may yet be hope with the previously undiscovered social trend of academia; politics.

“I started getting involved with social justice activism and I was able to meet and converse with like-minded individuals.” Jesse told us.  “My professors taught me about white privilege, racial bias, and how women and minorities in our society are treated as second-class citizens.”

Jesse had finally found a social order that would accept him, and more importantly it gave him access to females which was otherwise an implausibility.  Naturally, he ran with it.

“Like, I take this stuff seriously, if I hear anyone saying something racist, misogynistic, transphobic, sexist, islamaphobic, homophobic, xenophobic, or bigoted I’m gonna call them on their shit. I might even throw down!” Jesse added.

Despite being friend-zoned multiple times by his female comrades, our buddy Jesse didn’t give up hope. He began seeking the affection of a pretty young woman who attended his gender studies class. He was on a secret mission to win her over.

“This girl is amazing. She’s passionate about woman’s rights and social justice, and yeah, she’s just amazing. If anyone tried to insult her, they’d have me to deal with.”

Gwen, our lovely young aforementioned lady, however, had other plans. She started dating a guy named Chaz, who coincidentally was a star athlete with chiseled abs and bulging muscles.

Jesse was not happy. When asked how he felt, he told us:

“I seriously don’t get how a girl like Gwen could pick a douche bro like Chaz over me. He must have brainwashed her or something. I mean, I carry her books to class for her, I view her as an equal, I pay for her lunch almost every day because I know she only gets paid 77 cents for every dollar I make at the same job we work at, I stand up for her rights as a woman, I start her car and drive it up to the curb when it’s raining and cold, I’d do anything for her, I practically worship this girl. I really don’t understand how she ended up with that neanderthal jock and not me. I. JUST. DON’T. GET. IT.”

Jesse still hasn’t gotten laid, but we’re sure it will happen soon… I mean, women love guys like Jesse, right?

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