Everyone is a God Damn Snowflake

If I walked into a room and proclaimed that “Trump is a gigantic pussy”, half of the room would want to kill me for insulting the hero they worship and the other half of the room would be screaming at me for my objectionable use of the word ‘pussy’ because it’s sexist and perpetuates negative stereotypes of women.

The point is, everyone is a god damn snowflake; not just leftists or liberals, but conservatives too.

There comes a moment of self-realization in the time-line of human chronology when we must recognize the fact that most people are easily offended. Me, you, your neighbor, your teacher, your employer, everyone.

We’re all a bunch of snowflakes.  Here, watch this…

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Civil War 2: Snowflakes vs Bigots

The year was 2020. The crisp evening of a pale November endured an eerie silence as the world awaited to reveal its new king.

Resounding whispers echoed a prophetic lament for civilization: “War is upon you.”

In the preceding years, the tension between the left-wing and the right-wing intensified to the point to where it could no longer be contained.

“If you voted for Trump, you’re a Nazi, if you’re sympathetic to Trump, you’re Nazi, if you voted 3rd party then you’re a Nazi, if you’re a liberal who believes in free speech then you’re a Nazi, if you’re a Libertarian, you’re a Nazi.  If you’re not behind us, then you’re in front of us, and if you’re in front of us then you’re going to die.”  The words of an Antifa member.

The age of the freethinker had come to a sorrowful end; the renaissance had expired. The glory days of conversing and exchanging ideas in the marketplace of free expression were now behind us. The era of individualism wrought its ghost upon the chronicles of time.  You were either Team Left, or Team Right.

“These snowflakes and libtards are going down, you’re either with us, or against us. We’re going to make America great again!” One man said as he adjusted his Maga hat and grabbed his plastic shield. “It’s time for war!”

The year was 2021. In an effort to contain the bloodshed, rioting and war, the Government issued Martial Law. Hopes of restoring order had long diminished and the future of the nation appeared fleeting and intangible.

This Civil war was much different than the first Civil war. In the first war one side was fighting for independence while the other side was fighting for unification. In this war, both sides were fighting for secession.

“What happened to the tenets of liberty, the constitution, our American ideals?!” cried a man to both sides, who were poised in the rainy streets before the culmination of battle.  “What happened to the idea that we can have different ideas and still live harmoniously? What happened to…”

Before he could finish, he was shot dead in the street and the ominous words spoken enshrouded the night. “Those days are over.”

The year was 2022. Suffering a military Coup d’etat, the Government had lost a faction of its armed forces to those who decided to either join the efforts of the war upon the unexpected victories of the left (who were originally thought to be fragile snowflakes incapable of wielding firearms.) or simply refused to shoot down citizens in violation of the posse comitatus act.

What happened to the conservative, gun toting, Jesus-loving Christian men and women? Surely their combined forces would’ve expelled the leftists rather quickly and handsomely?

They never joined into the war. All those years the left thought they were all bigots and Nazis, they turned out to prove them wrong. They refused to take up arms in a vacuous, unjustified war.

What happened to the liberal, the atheist, the progressive thinking men and women of reason and logic? Surely they would confront the bigotry of “Team Right” and take up arms to save society from hatred?

They never joined into the war. All those years the right thought they were all standing in solidarity with the radical left, they were wrong. They refused to take up arms in a vacuous, unjustified war.

So who was in the war? Who were the catalyst behind the inevitable fall of the nation? Who were these people who were fighting? Who were these people who were making it impossible for the majority of the country to live their lives in peace?

They were a small fraction of both sides, the fringe, the extremists, they were those who were incapable of compromise, those bereft of reason and logic. They were the faulty caboose whose disproportionate momentum derailed the entire train of civilization.

The year was 2023. Unable to restore order, foreign entities saw an opportunity to gain footing in unstable territory. Many had fled the United States, many joined the war simply to see it end, and others survived how they could until it was over or until they were killed for being fence walkers or complacent.

The previous three years the war saw little intervention from outside parties. Since the occupation of territory by invading, impartial forces took rise, the United States called on NATO and United Nations to draft treaty and end the war.

A war, at this point, no one even remembered how it started or why they were fighting each other. They just knew they hated each other and weren’t going to stop until the other side was vanquished.

Eventually order would be restored and the nation made whole again. The people of this great land would have one thing to remember:

Never let extremists divide the Nation, ever again.

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Alt-Right ‘Bad Ass’ Questions Sexuality After Trying Vegan Food

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His name is Jimmy. His hobbies include posting Pepe memes, triggering ‘special snowflakes’ online, agreeing with Tomi Lahren,  investigating pizzagate, and shit-posting on 4chan.

Recently Jimmy got himself into a masochistic relationship with a quasi-feminist; this is basically a delusional girl who tries to be new age, liberal and hip but really she’s just a trailer park princess who bathes irregularly and likes tarot cards.

They met at Denny’s.

Shawna, his beloved new 3rd place trophy girlfriend, recently converted to vegetarianism. As such, she is always trying to get Jimmy to try vegan options, but he believes he is just far too masculine to eat gay vegan food.

One afternoon Shawna convinced Jimmy to hop in her Ford pickup truck, littered with radical-left wing and witch craft related bumper stickers, and drive downtown for lunch at some hipster restaurant.

After a bout of incessant nagging and a vying for power from Shawna, Jimmy reluctantly agreed to allow her to order their lunch… she told him he was getting a cheese steak, but little did he know it was a faux-meat, vegan “un-cheese” steak.

With a rather pompous grin on her face, she watched with delight as he finished his vegan “cheese steak” and then asked “How did you like your first vegan cheese steak?” and then chuckled.

Jimmy was outraged by this deception, he mumbled something about libtards, stormed out and then refused to talk all the way home.

Something was weighing heavy on Jimmy’s mind on that car ride home, however. Was it possible that he actually enjoyed the Vegan sandwich that he ate at the hipster dive?

“I can’t believe she did that to me, feeding me that horrible dog-shit vegan food” he told us. “I’ve never tasted anything so revolting in my life.”

Jimmy paused for a moment…

“Ah, who am I kidding?” he said. “It was fucking delicious.”

Fearing his masculinity was in jeopardy, he immediately turned to watching hardcore lesbian strangle porn, drank a 5th of whiskey neat, smoked a case of cigars, shot $300 worth of ammunition from various assault rifles and handguns, and somehow managed to find a baby seal and proceeded to club it to death and eat it raw.

“I’m tough” Jimmy said. “Fuckin’ snowflakes and their vegan food.”

Shawna told us that, a month later, she caught Jimmy at the hipster restaurant downtown to where she suspects he was ordering a vegan cheese steak. Jimmy denies this accusation.

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