Jesus is a busy man. Recently, however, he wanted to take a break from checking Facebook posts to see if they met the required number of “likes” in order to heal sick children, to visit a College, relax and do some partying.
He hadn’t been to a College party since the mid 90’s and wanted to relive some of those wild times.
First stop on the Jesus party tour was Amherst College.
“Holy shit, it’s Jesus!” shouted one of the campus’s dudebros.
“Hey guy’s, where’s the party at tonight?” Jesus asked. “We’ll get a keg, scope out the chicks, you know…”
Overhearing the conversation, a shrill, homely feminist approached Jesus and interrupted: “Excuse me Jesus? Did you just refer to women as ‘chicks?!’
A crowd of feminists formed as they began to interrogate Jesus… he thought to himself ‘Jesus Christ, you picked the wrong college bro‘ and slipped away from the angry mob as they turned their attention to the dudebros who were defending him.
Next stop on the Jesus party tour was Berkeley University.
Jesus spotted a small crowd of peeps that looked like they might’ve been down to party.
“Hey man” Jesus asked, “So where are all the good parties happening tonight?”
The bewildered crowd looked stunned, but not because they were in the presence of Jesus himself.
“Man?” asked one of the students. “Jesus, did you just assume this person’s gender?!”
Jesus sighed and said to himself “God damn, you gotta be kidding me.”
Jesus isn’t likely to return to Berkeley anytime soon, because right after he left Antifa showed up and burned the place down carrying signs that said “Jesus is a Fascist”.
The final stop on the Jesus Party Tour was Yale University.
Jesus was determined to find a good campus party, so he decided to tread carefully as to not run into anymore social justice warriors.
Before he could even talk to anyone, a student approached him and demanded to know why he was wearing white robes and sandals.
“You’re appropriating the culture of Muslims and making a mockery of the Umrah pilgrimage by wearing that!” The student exclaimed.
Jesus quickly got away from him and headed to the other side of the campus.
He noticed a pretty young girl who didn’t have a pink Chelsea haircut or hiking boots on and thought to himself hey, maybe this girl is down to party, eh?
She became visibly angry and hostile and made wild accusations against Jesus.
“Uh, you’ve been looking at me for longer than 3 seconds, stop raping me!”
It was at that point that Jesus knew there would be no party that night. Disappointed and depressed, Jesus headed home, turned on his Rush 2112 album and smoked a joint quietly in his room.
“Son,” God said to Jesus as he came in to check on him. “What’s the matter?”
“We fucked up didn’t we Dad?” Jesus pleaded. “76 Genders, Halloween costumes are offensive, looking at women is rape, everyone and everything is racist….”
“Yes Son, we did”.
“You know what they say” Jesus said with hope as he grabbed a pencil and paper to draft his plans for an apocalyptic flood. “The third time is a charm”.