Hollywood Actress Accuses Jesus of Sexual Misconduct

A no named Hollywood actress has come forth and levied allegations against Jesus Christ for sexual misconduct.

Now, before we get into this, I’d like to say that I’ve known Jesus for quite a long time. We were roommates in college and he was always a straight shooting guy to me. Yeah, he drank a lot of wine and said weird prophetic shit while he was stoned, but I never knew him to be a creep.

23 years ago, when Ashley Jubb was 26, she recalls a “frightening encounter”  when Jesus supposedly put his hand over her mouth and tried to drown her in a Jacuzzi.

“He said he was trying to save me and wash away all of my dirty sins” Ashley nervously reported. “I trusted him, he was much older than me at the time and he took advantage of my naivety.”

In his defense, Jesus maintained it was consensual and exclaimed “I was just baptizing the bitch!”.

God, Jesus’s father, acted as his defense attorney in court when the trials began. You would think that Jesus would stand a fairly good chance with God as his lawyer, but it seems even God himself was unable to combat the unrelenting power of the ‘Metoo’ movement.

The people demanded crucifixion, but with out any proof of sexual misconduct whatsoever, Jesus was only sentenced to 300 years in a maximum security prison, an outcome that was unsettling for the plaintiff’s attorney Gloria Allred.

How to Have Sex with Feminists

Some of us have an inexplicable desire to engage in rough coitus with feminist women, for reasons far beyond our own imaginable comprehension.

Here is the ultimate guide to achieving consensual relations with feminist bitches.

How to Have Sex with Feminists

The first thing one must understand before they embark upon their journey of banging feminist broads, is that feminists absolutely detest men who say they are feminists.

They will post on twitter, facebook, etc. about how they appreciate men who are “down with the cause” but I assure you that this is pure fallacy.

Do not, under any circumstances, say that you are a feminist or that you are politically driven to fight for the cause of women’s rights. They hate that shit.

A majority of women who have adopted the ‘feminist’ label have done so because they were rejected by the hot beefcake alpha-male jock in high school.

If you present yourself as a beta-male cucklord she will dry up like the Sahara desert.

Intelligence is a virtuous, noble and grand trait to posses while you’re in the company of educated men who are of sound reason and mind, but to flaunt it in front of a feminist is a surefire route directly to masturbationville.

The more of a dumb, lunkheaded imbecile you fashion yourself to be, the more of a chance you will have at performing the deeds of carnal lust.

Once you have established that you’re firmly, but inconceivably, against feminism and you hold the belief that women were created for the pleasure of men, you’re pretty much home free.

If she asks you who you voted for, don’t lie and say ‘Gary Johnson’, just tell her you voted for Trump, it will make her so aroused she wont even want to sign the comprehensive sexual consent forms that you most certainly should have brought with you.

The only thing I have left to say is “You’re Welcome”.

Bette Midler Wants to Bang Rand Paul

Bette Midler posted a rather telling tweet on twitter yesterday about Rand Paul.

At a cursory glance it may seem like she doesn’t like him, and she wants his neighbor to beat him up again…

In actuality it’s misdirected sexual frustration. You see, Rand Paul doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse with Bette Midler. I know I know,  he must be gay to turn down such a sexy old woman like her, but hey, we all have our preferences, right?

Apparently she doesn’t handle rejection well.  Poor old bag just needs some wind beneath her wings.

Read this Blog or We’ll Shoot this Dog

We have an escalating problem in America that requires immediate attention; we’re forgetting how to fucking laugh.

Don’t worry, we’re not actually going to kill the dog… this is an image taken from a 1973 issue of National Lampoon magazine, and its purpose is to illustrate a point.

There have always been advocacy groups, religious groups, cry baby groups etc. that have tried to stifle free expression in our nation. These groups wont be going away, and this article isn’t really directed towards them personally.

This article focuses more on the artists themselves and the growing acceptance that there is no longer an appropriate arena for dark humor.

Growing up in the 80’s and 90’s, I remember that the approach to rampant political correctness or puritan religious groups was almost always ‘fuck them, we’ll fight back and we’ll come out with shit to piss them off even more’.

That attitude has changed significantly as pointed out by veteran comedians such as Mel Brooks, who stated that “political correctness is killing comedy”.

Political correctness isn’t killing comedy. It’s our collective willingness to accept political correctness as a viable force that is killing comedy. The artists, publishers, companies etc. who are bending to this madness is what is killing comedy.

Political correctness should be fueling comedy. This should be a golden age, a renaissance of dark humor, a revisiting of that attitude that we’re not going to bend to the whim of radical puritans who resolve to strip away our free expression and claim victory for the whiny, smug, intolerant authoritarians of our society.

Remember the ’94 Hart Bochner cinematic classic ‘PCU’? You know how easy it would be to do a remake of that movie in today’s climate? It would be epic.

Artists, however, are pulling away from ‘questionable’ material like this out of fear of backlash, out of fear they will reduce their careers to ruin.

The intellectual community, the artistic community, the liberal community, need to reanalyze the importance of comedy and remember that there is a distinguishable difference between the propagation of bigotry and the celebration of humor.

I assure you this is not a virtue signal, but rather an effort to illustrate the key difference between the two:

Racism is and has been for a long time one thing that I simply don’t like. When I was discussing the 1967 Mulford Act with a group of conservative gun rights advocates, I was surprised by their willingness to bend their ‘unwavering’ support for gun liberty when the objective was to disarm or hinder the gun rights of black people, as such was the focus of the 1967 Mulford Act.

To be fair, many conservatives and libertarians are against the Mulford act, but you’ll find people out there who are fairly comfortable with the idea of disarming black people.

This is a real political issue that requires a sober perspective and clear insight… far different from racial humor.

The social justice warriors of today think that there is no place for racial humor because it leads to these types of ‘macro-oppression’s’.

Bullocks. Racial humor is fuckin’ fantastic.

It’s a beautiful sight to see a black man and white man joke around with each other, derive humor from stereotypes and afterward smile, shake hands and drink a damn beer together like adults who are capable of not taking shit too seriously.

This happens all the time in the real world. It’s a scary and dangerous premise for a sheltered college regressive to understand, but I assure you it’s very common and most people don’t think it’s a huge deep-seated problem until you indoctrinate them with the idea that there’s malice involved.

It is perfectly reasonable to assess that someone who is not racist, not sexist, not homophobic can make racist sexist and homophobic jokes and keep it within the parameter of humor, Joan Rivers did it all the time. I would be daring enough to say that it’s a bonding experience moreso than a cause for a massive triggering.

The point is, we’re adults, we can handle making fun of each other. I can handle people making fun of me and my beliefs and what not and I am able to detect when there’s humor involved from an occasion where there’s malice intended. We have this ability, there’s no need to send comedy to the altar of sacrifice.

To my fellow artists and comedians out there, I implore, please stop giving in to this regressive pseudo-liberal orthodoxy and stand firm in your efforts to bring humor and delight to the world and stop worrying about offending a bunch of PC college thugs.

Remember what George Carlin said. “Political Correctness is America’s newest form of Intolerance”.

 

Nancy Pelosi ‘Stare-Raped’ Me

Somewhere amidst my tenure of calling people cucks and snowflakes I realized that I too was a human being with feelings and emotions. *sad face*

I came to this unsettling epiphany  during a congressional banquet where I was in attendance as an intern and was fortunate enough to dine with a major league roster of Republicans and Democrats.

Sometime during the event I noticed something rather irregular; a sort of burning sensation that I was being “inappropriately analyzed.”

The perpetrator of this heinous assault was none other than Nancy Pelosi, who I had originally thought was a wax statue decoration in the banquet hall because I previously hadn’t noticed any movement of any kind from her.

Had the feminists been right all along? Was there really such thing as “stare rape”?

Before that event I would’ve laughed, called you a cucklord and strutted away in my confident arrogance that you were a special snowflake.

My greatest fear was realized, however, that the feminists were right, stare rape was a real thing and it was happening to me!

With each visual caress from Pelosi I became startlingly aware that I was a victim of stare rape; she was undressing me with her eyes and thinking about ravenous sexual intercourse with me, no doubt.

It was such a tremendous violation that, beyond my reasonable judgement, I took to receding into isolation and engaged in a regiment of coloring book therapy for months.

#metoo

Political Correctness breeds Intolerance

Ignorant, uninformed and unintelligent people will effortlessly shrug at the concept of political correctness as something that is either good or harmless.

They’re wrong.

Political correctness is America’s newest form of intolerance.

Consider a high school kid who has thrown a party in the absence of his parents; they were on a business trip together for the weekend.  While away, the kid’s party destroys the house and he’s left with a complete disaster.

That disaster is symbolic to the state of social and political interactions in America today.

There’s a huge mess to clean up.  Instead of digging down deep and actually fixing the mess, our high school friend decides the best solution is to spray the house with Lysol and sweep everything under the couch. Tada, problem solved, right?!

That’s what political correctness is, a half-assed attempt at fixing a real problem. So long as things look good from a distance and smells pretty, there’s nothing to worry about?

Then his friends come back over and say “hey, look man, we know we fucked your house up, we’d like to dig that shit out from under the couch and clean it up right.”

Instead of allowing honesty, integrity and real effort to take place and get to the source of the problem and work to correct it, he decides to tell his friends to go home and spray some more Lysol for good measure.

Political correctness doesn’t actually fix anything. Political correctness is the bowl of cereal that was pushed under the couch and left to get rotten and chunky… it seemed like the problem was solved because you didn’t see the bowl anymore, but it was still there festering and becoming toxic.

When you attempt to fix solutions by forcing language control you’re inevitably going to create more intolerance.

Hatred, racism, misogyny and all of the various isms that plague our nation aren’t going to be cured through rigid authoritarianism.

Political correctness is just another form of bigotry that impedes the free expression necessary to identify and resolve issues.

Political correctness breeds intolerance.

 

Everyone is a God Damn Snowflake

If I walked into a room and proclaimed that “Trump is a gigantic pussy”, half of the room would want to kill me for insulting the hero they worship and the other half of the room would be screaming at me for my objectionable use of the word ‘pussy’ because it’s sexist and perpetuates negative stereotypes of women.

The point is, everyone is a god damn snowflake; not just leftists or liberals, but conservatives too.

There comes a moment of self-realization in the time-line of human chronology when we must recognize the fact that most people are easily offended. Me, you, your neighbor, your teacher, your employer, everyone.

We’re all a bunch of snowflakes.  Here, watch this…

The Worst Thing About Censorship T-Shirt